MILITARY OATHS OF ENLISTMENT
US. MARINE CORPS OATH
I, STATE YOUR NAME, SWEAR TO..UUUUUHHHHHH..
AIR FORCE WOMEN...(DROOL)....BIG GUNS....
SO HELP ME CORPS
US. ARMY OATH
I, Rambo, swear to sign away 4 years of my mediocre life
to the United States Army because I couldn't score high enough
on the ASVAB to get into the Air Force. I'm not TOUGH ENOUGH
for the MARINES, and the Navy won't take me because I can't
swim. I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers
in my boots because I can't figure out how to use blousing
straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even
when I have a date. I will continue to tell myself that I am
a fierce killing machine because my Drill Sergeant told me I
am, despite the fact that the only action I will see is a court martial for sexual harassment. I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and vow to maintain that
it is because I scored perfect on my PT.
After completion of my Sexual....er....I mean BASIC TRAINING, I will
attend a different Army school once every other month and return
knowing less than I did when I left. On my first trip home after
Boot Camp I will walk around like I am cool and propose to my 9th
grade sweetheart. I will make my wife stay home because if I let
her out she might leave me for a smarter, better looking Air Force
guy. Should she leave me twelve times I will continue to take her
back. While at work, I will maintain a look of knowledge while
getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive to work
every day at 1000hrs. because of morning PT and leave every day at
1330 to report back to the "COMPANY". I understand that I will
undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a job upon
separation, and will end up working construction with my friends
from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving
me $30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I can't
pass a placement exam.
So help me GOD.
US. NAVY OATH
I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years
of my life to the United States Navy because I want to hang out with
MARINES without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too "corporate", and because I thought, "Hey I like to swim...why not?" I promise to wear clothing that went out of style
in 1976 and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of
pants I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor
man during the summer, and for Waffen SS during the winter. I will
strive to use a different language than the rest of the English speaking world, using words like "deck, bulkhead, cover, and head"
when I really mean "floor, wall, hat, and toilet."
I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank,
and ensignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely
different from the other services and make absolutely no sense
whatsoever. I will muster (whatever that is) at 0700 hrs ever morning
unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up
around 0930 hrs. I vow to hone my Coffee Cup handling skills to the
point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon
and still not spill a drop. I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice per fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick,
and quite possible illegal whims of my newfound "colleagues."
So help me Neptune.
US. AIRFORCE OATH
I, Zoomie, swear to sign away 4 years of my useless life to the
United States Air Force because I know I couldn't hack it in the Army and because the MARINES frighten me. I swear to sit behind a desk and take credit for the work done by others more dedicated than me who take thier job seriously. I also swear not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike riding test as a valid form of exercise. I swear to uphold and defend the Constitution of the United States, even though I believe myself to be above that. I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I know I'm not really in the military and I find it amusing to annoy the other services.
I will have a better quality of life than those around me and will at all times be sure to make them aware of that fact. After completion of my "Basic Training", I will be a lean, mean, donut-eating, lazy-boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, Chairborne Ranger. I will believe I am superior to all others and will make an effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back with it. I will do no work unless someone is watching me (and it makes me look good), will annoy those around me, and will go home early every day. I consent to never being promoted (EVER) and understand that all those whom I made fun of yesterday will probably outrank me tomorrow.
So help me God